Cover Photo: Illustration by Elizabeth Haidle for Catapult
Illustration by Elizabeth Haidle for Catapult

Interplanetary Risk Management and Other Reasons to Quit Cheerleading

Her species procreates through a sacred sermonic skin grafting ritual, but the idea of sex with a teenage human male she found truly grotesque.



quote-unquotetypical teenage problemsEarth Life Manual

air-quoteborn in 2003.



How was school today, Emma Claire?

[drawing a slow breath] Fine.


Okay . . .

quote-unquotesmart classes



quote-unquotemore precision, Ovary Wastes!,


quote-unquoteno friends?

Friend (noun): a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. ((Spatial Proximity + Relative Interest(s)) x Time Spent)


quote-unquote the deets

air-quotekindergarten graduation



Whore Scum


Slut Breath!


An image blipped in Emma Claire’s mind: a corn stalk tassel woven in the golden strands of Tammy Tonya’s hair, just above her ear.

Tammy Tonya’s brow darted inward, her sadness swiped to anger with theatrical precision. She punched open the door and did not look back again.

air-quotefreshman year:

quote-unquote boyfriend her

Don’t worry, Nurse Tammy has the cure!

tickling her

e-mo-shun-all-y un-stay-bull teee-nager

Idiotic Rectum


air-quote past

She was overcome with a sudden belief that such a small gesture could televaporate whatever had come between them with sonic-boom-like force.

Tammy Tonya’s gaze fixed ahead. Emma Claire reached over to her, her hand gliding through the space between them, and just as she was about to make contact, a white, astral light poured in from behind, startling them both.

Dyke Floozies

Annie Werner is a writer from Texas living in New York. She's published with Paper Darts, Juked, Pigeon Pages, and The Village Voice. 

@anniewerner on Insta / @annie_werner on Twitter.