How I (Finally) Decided to Freeze My Eggs
Sometimes I joke that I’m already primed for motherhood because I’m already well-versed in guilt, blaming myself for things over which I have little control.
I hope I never have to make that choice.
There’s no harm in that, right?Just a simple query.
It’s only testing, it will give you a clearer picture of what you’re dealing with.Freezing my eggs would buy me time to figure out if this is
I need more more more eggs for a sure bet
Two days before I was scheduled to go on a three-day hike through Jade Mountain, one of the tallest mountains in Taiwan, my period arrived a week early. I cancelled my plans, with apologies to my friends, and called Denise.
The doctor pulled out a calendar and made a plan. She told me when I should book my flights back, when I should begin to take my medication ahead of the appointment, when I could expect to do the extraction. She was probably used to people’s disappointment, I thought dully. I tried to keep up with her, to plow ahead, to shut out the negative feelings that were pushing at the edge of my brain. All is not lost, I tried to remind myself.
“I’ll see you in October,” she said. Maybe I only imagined the pity in her voice.
I picked up the medication—hormones that I later discovered were commonly given to women in menopause—paid for the day’s expenses, and exited the clinic. And that’s when I began to cry, finally, the self-blame I’d been trying to keep at bay crowding into my head.
Why did you wait until the last month you were in Taiwan to do this? Why didn’t you pull the trigger when you first started researching this? Why didn’t you just freeze your eggs at twenty-eight, like your mom told you? How many eggs will go bad between now and October? What has your hesitation cost you? You should have done this sooner, you should have researched this sooner, you shouldn’t have / should’ve done /
Karissa Chen's fiction and essays have appeared in numerous publications, including Gulf Coast, PEN America, Guernica, and Longreads. She was awarded a Fulbright Fellowship to Taiwan in 2015-16 and received a 2019 Fellowship from the New Jersey Council on the Arts, and is a proud Fellow of both Kundiman and VONA/Voices. She currently serves as the Editor-in-Chief at Hyphen, Fiction Editor at the Rumpus, and a Contributing Fiction Editor at Catapult. She is working on a novel.
Enter your email address to receive notifications for author Karissa Chen
You have been added to the notification list for author Karissa Chen
More by this author
I wish I had been warned—not because it would have changed my mind about the procedure, but because I might have been more prepared.
I didn’t know, anymore, how to date like a normal person—how to give a potential relationship the space to grow into the family I dreamt of.
More in this series
The desire to be a mother is now something that lingers inside of me, an omnipresent hunger.
Do other people ascribe “luck” to objects? I wondered. Wouldn’t it be far better to finally use this kitchen appliance and truly love it?