Can I Be Happy With My Male Partner When I Dream About Dating a Creative, Intellectual Woman?

Welcome to End It Now?, a narrative advice column. In each installment, Alissa Nutting and Dean Bakopoulos will address a question from a reader who is thinking about quitting something: a relationship, a job, a habit, a project. Dean and Alissa will respond with stories from their lives and the lives of others, and then deliver a verdict: Should the letter-writer end it now, or not so much, and why?

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Dear Alissa and Dean,

I have been with my male partner for some years now. I love him. I know he wants to marry me, wants us to have kids when we’re ready, wants to spend his whole life knowing me and loving me and being good to me. He is probably the most good of the people I’ve ever been with.

I’m queer. I’ve yet to have a long-term relationship with another woman. When I look at women together in public, I ache. While my partner and I have a lot of fun together and enjoy some similar things, he’s not passionate about art and culture and literature the way I am and he’s not excited by intellectual things the same way I am. I’ve always had incredibly intellectual relationships with women and, while I have those with friends now, I’ve always wished I could have that with a partner too.

I’ve never lived alone and have always wanted to. My partner and I are both moving across the country so that I can start school somewhere new. I’m glad that he wants to move with me because starting over in a totally new place would be terrifying. But taking him with me feels like a commitment that I’m not entirely ready to give.

Do you end something this good? Or do you stay and understand that no one person can give you everything?

Anonymous

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Dean: Like most novelists, we both have a rich fantasy life. And like most novelists who also teach creative writing, we sometimes come up with rather simplistic dichotomies to help students think about the characters they’re crafting—their motivations, their desires, their unspoken subtexts. Lately, in the workshops Alissa and I teach together, we’ve been talking about the idea of shallow fantasy versus deep fantasy.

Alissa: Shallow fantasies, as we see them, are harmless: the “it’s exciting to imagine if . . .” thoughts that everyone has. Oftentimes, they’re about things we wouldn’t choose—or couldn’t get—in reality. Which is exactly what makes them fun.

Dean: For instance, you might have shallow sexual fantasies about people besides your partner (but you’d never actually cheat). You may have a shallow fantasy about losing twenty pounds before your tropical vacation (but you’ll have fun either way), or you may have a shallow fantasy of a very clean and spare tiny house (but you hate-watch Tiny House Nation), or you may have a shallow fantasy of appearing as a guest on Fresh Air (and perhaps you even act out Terry Gross’s gripping interview with yourself when stuck in traffic). I call these shallow fantasies not in judgment of the fantasy’s content, but because, although they are interesting (and somewhat telling), they are not defining. These fantasies come and go. They are fairly close to the surface of a person’s subconscious; they amuse us or motivate us at some small level, and usually, they evaporate into thin air and new shallow fantasies emerge. They don’t hurt.

Alissa: And then there are deep fantasies, which do define us. Deep fantasies aren’t whims. They speak to our inner truths, and if they’re at odds with our current circumstances, they’re incredibly painful. Maybe they remind us that what we want is not what we have. Maybe they remind us that what we have is not what we want. If you’re someone who’s good at pretending, deep fantasies can be especially bothersome. Maybe you’re going about your life, faking contentment, convincing everyone around you that you’re being authentic. Maybe you’re doing such a good job that you decide to go ahead and try convincing yourself, too, yeah? You love this person! You don’t hate this job! You’re fine giving up on your dream! Well, nice try. You might just have gotten away with it if it weren’t for that deep fantasy rolling up like the Mystery Machine from Scooby Doo. Deep fantasy won’t let you forget how you honestly feel. It will rip off your mask and hold up a mirror. In the realest sense, deep fantasies aren’t fantasy at all. They reveal who we actually are.

Dean: A fiction writer needs to know her character’s deep fantasy; a poet must understand the deep fantasy at the heart of a confessional poem; a memoirist comes to understand their deep fantasy as they write. This is easy when we’re talking about the work of the workshop room.

But in real life, away from the creative writing classroom, the deep fantasy, Anonymous, it’s trouble. The deep fantasy is what we really, really want: the thing we want so bad we understand that voicing it, and going after it, will explode everything we know.

When people are considering life changes based on a fantasy, it’s helpful to spend some time thinking: Is this a shallow fantasy or a deep fantasy? If I indulge it and obsess over it and allow myself to truly imagine it, maybe even share it with an intimate friend, do I simply laugh (or get off, or give up, etc.) and feel it leave my system? Or do I want it more than ever?

Alissa: Anonymous, we think you’re in deeper waters here. Sometimes, when our workshop students are trying to figure out what a character wants, we will look at the language a writer instinctively used in a draft and find some clues. You say you and your current partner have “fun together” and “enjoy doing some similar things.”

Dean: This is where we might write “awkward” or “cliché” in the margins. This is the language of friendship. When you describe your hypothetical and possible other life, you describe an ache, and you imagine excitement and passion. Excitement and passion aren’t fantasies; they exist in real life, and you are not wrong for wanting to find these things. I have a feeling your man knows you don’t ache for him already. And he sounds like a good guy. He deserves someone who aches for him with excitement and passion; he needs to know that kind of desire, too.

Alissa: You’re afraid of giving up the good aspects of your relationship together, but ultimately they’re not bringing you joy. You mention that moving alone to a new place would be “terrifying” to you—definitely an understandable feeling—but one that might be worth noting, since you’ve held on to this unfulfilling relationship for a while. Sometimes relationships—even ones that aren’t working—are a welcome distraction against looking inward and the feelings we have when we’re alone. Taking some time to yourself and getting comfortable outside of a relationship might be valuable, and can help you avoid the temptation to “make do” with someone who’s “good” but not what you’re looking for, no matter the gender of the person you’re dating. (Unless the fact that you’re in a relationship with a guy is exclusively what’s bringing you down. If that’s the case, start hooking up with women immediately and claim your joy!!)

The Verdict:

We don’t want to line edit your letter and offer life advice in the margin notes, Anonymous, but we do see something in your letter that is very telling. You do not have a shallow fantasy of what it might be like to be in a loving and sexual relationship with an intelligent, creative woman. You have a deep fantasy of doing this. Deep fantasies will always, eventually, cause upheaval. It’s not a question of if, it’s a question of when. Deep fantasies rarely go away; in their persistence, they have the capability of making reality even more difficult than it already is. Perhaps you know you should end it now—if that’s the case, do it. However, if you’re truly unsure of whether or not you want to leave your current relationship, an honest conversation with your current partner about this deep fantasy is a good place to start. Either he’ll understand and give you the space (whatever the two of you decide “space” means) to explore, or won’t. His reaction to your honest confusion may make the decision for you.

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