May 20, 2019
When I Started HRT, I Discovered a Sweeter Side to My Masculinity
I was leaving femininity behind, grateful to have an example like my grandpa to grow toward.
I was leaving femininity behind, grateful to have an example like my grandpa to grow toward.
The self-regard that came with watching Bergman films helped me feel rich in something, for the first time since arriving in America.
He begged his mother to let him buy the guitar. When she refused, reminding him that it was half of the month’s rent, he wept.
The Roadshow is so kind, so simple, and so pure that you begin to wonder, “Could this even be faked?” When I visited the set in San Diego, I discovered—no, it can’t be faked.
Who are we if not kin through our deviations? Street hustler and femme queen, macho and maricóncito, variations on a chulo aesthetic.
I knew on a level the humor was cringeworthy, especially as a recently out gay boy facing heterosexist gender roles, but I didn’t care. I needed “Friends” to make our house feel less lonely and empty.
Underneath the shiny veneer of Bollywood, there’s something affirming about seeing people caught in the maelstrom of politics and war making choices—to flee or stay or fight.
I know that I’m living in a ticking clock, and all of this—dinners with my parents, peaceful conversations—will likely be gone one day.
I sought a cherished symbol from my own childhood, not a standardized emblem of all Indonesian culture, which I can’t and shouldn’t pretend is all mine to take.
For me, homosexuality is an invitation to opt out, to abstain from the trappings of heteronormativity, a gift of eternal boyhood.
Because it’s still more acceptable for white women than it is for women of color to show anger, I scream-sing along to Courtney Love’s rage.
Though my mother’s no longer here to meet my son, he’ll taste his grandmother’s cooking though our family’s Sunday gravy, the one I make every week to keep her spirit alive.
I don’t want to take time away from your book, she said, but the book could wait. My writing was always there. She might not be.
Our fathers may never know us the way we wish they would. And if we learned that ignorance is bliss, it’s because we learned it from them.
Miraci is being the one thing blackness has always been forced to be even when unwilling—political.
Trans people have rights because we’re human—not because we’re special. So why does having those rights recognized require a flood of trans tears?
My heart’s deepest desire was to see my mother again, yes, but also to glimpse a portrait of normalcy that I had never known in the years of her illness.
It’s hard to negotiate how much of me is Filipino or American, but I realize this is only a question asked of me by people who seek clarity in their own definition of “American” identity.
“I wanted to be present in Paris. I forgot to be present with my family.”
I have dated long enough to see a change, and I am still young enough to work at the craft.
