Finding My Couple
This is not your average online dating tale. It is a story of one woman’s journey to explore her sexual desire of a threesome through an App. What it’s like to online date as a third searching for a couple and how being so lonely allows her to push her comfort level for the sake of feeling desired.
Finding My Couple [working title]
Written By: Danielle Benson
Word Count: 2,572
We met for a drink. A date with a couple. New territory. Exciting even.
As previously discussed in our group text, we would greet each other with big hugs and exaggerated hello’s, like old friends who hadn’t seen one another in a while. This way, our waiter, our fellow patrons, our bartender, nobody would suspect a thing.
I walked into the gastro style restaurant and scanned the room. Deep black comfy booths juxtaposed by modern light fixtures hanging above the tables. It smelled of fried food and tuna. It was that type of place. An overpriced pub grub menu trendy enough to add sushi rolls to the appies section.
A waiter greeted me. “Are you looking for someone,” the stinging aftermath of whisky on an empty stomach crept up my throat. Usually, meeting an online date, I would make a joke to the staff. Yup one of those dates I haven’t met yet. It was 2016 we were all doing it. What we were not all doing was dating couples for a prospective threesome.
Evan, facing the doorway, gave a wave. “Nope, found them thanks,” ending with an awkward smile. Phew. Jen turned in her chair to face me too. Both more attractive than their photos. Her a little heavier which was comforting.
I sat in the chair next to him wondering if this was ok, I wasn’t sure how to choose sides. She sat across. I ordered wine. He ordered beer. She, the DD, ordered a Diet Coke. I thought how they must be experienced if she was doing this sober, in comparison to my three shots consumed prior to arrival.
We talked about what schools we went to, our careers, our favourite hobbies. We bonded over how we all still watched Survivor in its twenty something season and that our friends made fun of us for it. We joked about how our three Jewish mothers would react to this scene and its purpose. We laughed about all being Toronto Jews and how many mutual friends we must have on Facebook.
I loved the attention being on me. I enjoyed watching them sneak, ‘she could be the one’ looks at one another from across the table. I liked these people, as individuals and as a pair. Most importantly, I felt desired by both.
I was heading to a party after the date. I invited them, they declined and insisted on giving me a lift. When we arrived at my destination I leaned in towards Jen from the back seat planting a soft one on her. We stayed there for a moment enjoying our lips on one another before sneaking in some tasteful tongue. I released myself and turned to Evan going in with a more aggressive approach. Then back to her. His head got closer. Another one for him. It ended with the last kiss on Jen, after all she was the driver.
Adrenaline took over my body. I walked out of the car that night feeling like a rock star. I was on the red carpet of my next threesome performance. I had found my couple. And it felt fuckin’ fantastic.
The Party – Several Weeks Prior
I experienced my premiere guest appearance with two friends. The party dwindled down and before I knew it, it was just me and my two friends, a couple, left in the apartment. The substances we had enjoyed earlier wore off to the melty feeling when all you want is to lie down and be held. So that’s what we did. It wasn’t new for me to be cuddling with a friend, even if that friend was dating someone in the next room.
We moved from the couch to the bedroom where his girlfriend joined us. We rubbed each other’s’ arms, shoulders, necks. Within moments I was comfortably snuggled into my position as middle spoon drifting off to the warmth off their bodies and desire of their hands all over mine. That’s when the first kiss happened. Next, I was on top of him wondering if this was ok. She got closer to us. Her hands stroking my back while I moved in a fluid motion stroking him. She excitedly watched on as we gained momentum. I turned my head and her face was next to mine. Our eyes gleaming with sexual desire we shared a kiss. Part of me thought I should go home. The other part of me won.
Things progressed. I left that evening having checked an item off my fantasy list in the most organic of ways. And I craved more.
Joining the APP.
It was dark out, my apartment was dimly lit from the street lights outside and my favourite vintage lamp sitting on the retro wood buffet that doubled as my TV stand and book shelf. I sat in my big comfy chair next to it. The one I inherited when we moved my grandmother into assisted living. The one my grandfather would sit in to read the paper in the morning when he was still alive. The chair that was now my chair for relaxing, reading, writing, enjoying my space.
I always assumed I would experience a threesome as one half of the couple. With this new notch under my belt I decided I would seek another experience out on my own. The third. I am single. I am confident. I am sexually aware of myself. I can do this. As a next step I did what anyone searching for sex would do, I joined an online community.
I had poured a glass of red wine earlier, I took a sip and settled in. Glass in one hand, phone in the other. I clicked on the App Store and entered ‘3inder’.
Here we go.
Are you 18 plus. Yes. Continue.
Welcome. Meet couples and singles. A place to meet open minded people. Join solo or pair up with a partner, a lover or a curious friend. LBGT. Straight. Humans. Come as you are. No real names. Be open, not exposed. Use an imaginary name.
What are you looking for?
A threesome I am here for a threesome. But wasn’t everybody? What was going to make me stand out? I was comforted to have a platform to explore these sexual desires that had awakened within me.
Imaginary name – ZebraDove
It was a name I made up in grade seven picking my alias for a game of laser tag. I came in first that game. I still have the print out. The term stuck with me through chat rooms of my youth and passwords for sites that don’t matter much. It seemed fitting here.
Gender – Female
The one, easiest answer of the profile set up.
Sexuality – Heteroflexible
There were twenty terms to choose from. I knew the basics; straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual. Other one’s I had to google; andrognosexual, androsexual, diemisexual, GrayA, Objectumsexual, Omnisexual, Skoliosexual. I thought I would pick bisexual but through my research found this suited me better.
Matches – Male Female
Search for female female, male female, male male. I was torn between the second two. I closed my eyes and imagined double penetration and shivered at the strength that would surround me in bed. I decided on female male couples only. I had to look up the difference between mff and fmf. Both. I think?
Desires: threesomes thirdplaymate fmf ffm
About – Adventurous single female looking to explore. Let me be your unicorn. *fairly new, be gentle*
I learned I was a unicorn through my research. A female playmate willing to equally satisfy both male and female partners in a threesome experience. Apparently we are rare mystical creatures, just like a zebra dove.
The response was overwhelming. Each time I logged in I had new matches by the hundreds. I enjoyed having intellectual conversations about sex with interesting people. But, things took a turn and quickly. The unsolicited racy pictures and degrading messages increased, and I began to feel objectified.
Online dating is hard. You’re swiped left, passed over when the next picture is prettier than yours and when you finally have a good conversation and connect you never know how many other girls they’re talking to, or worse, you get ghosted. The ones you want don’t text back and the ones you don’t want text back too much. When you let them down gently they lash out. When you give an opinion they say you’re wrong. It leaves you feeling lonely, ashamed, beat up and let down. Online dating for a threesome isn’t much different. Just this time you’re up against a pair. A pair that have already found each other and are now looking for another. Maybe you. If you’re strong enough to handle it.
“I am not a prop.”
“I am here to experience this for me.”
“I am here to fulfill my own fantasies as much as you are yours.”
It surprised me how couples were responding to my stance, yet it gave me the ability to weed out non potentials quickly. When rejecting these couples with a pleasant, “I don’t think we’re the right fit, best of luck finding your perfect unicorn :) ” I was told horrible things about myself, my motives, my body parts they hadn’t yet seen. Where were their female counterparts? How were they allowing their partner to speak to another woman this way?
It was disheartening to witness how I was being treated on a platform marketed as a progressive way to meet like-minded play mates in a safe space. I felt discouraged. I wondered if I would ever find what I was ultimately looking for; three bodies equally connected in the bedroom. Chemistry with a couple.
Eventually, I narrowed it down to a few I was initially attracted to, thought I would sexually connect with and had the shared understanding that this was a three-way street.
The Phone Call
“It’s those very first moments, so many hands and mouths on you, beyond your usual, and it feels, you just feel …” My mind was flipping through the pages of my brain’s thesaurus while my body paced my apartment.
“Sexual bliss,” she perfectly finished off the description of my favourite part of a threesome. Jen, of Jen and Evan. Currently my first choice.
During the conversation my nerves took over. I continuously switched from speaker phone to my ear. I turned the volume on the TV lower, off, back on, to a music channel, to another radio channel I thought she might like better, off again. The aroma of a chickpea sweet potato stew I was no longer hungry for wafted in from the kitchen.
I didn’t want to get off the phone. I wanted to finish talking about everything. Most importantly, I wanted to know the next steps.
“How about I start a group chat with you and Evan and we set up a time to meet up for a drink. No expectations. Just a drink. Does that work for you?”
This is happening.
The Second Date – A couple weeks after the first
The second date I figured would be the one. The first meet went well, we all found one another attractive, our group text was on fire, this is what we were doing this for may as well get to it. I was excited and nervous but I was ready to have fun. The day before our date on a bathroom trip I noticed my friend arrived early. Shit. I panicked. Now what? Do I cancel? Is it weird to cancel? Will they find another this weekend and I will lose them as my couple? I popped in a tampon and messaged Jen separately.
Me: Hey not sure the protocol on this stuff but I just got my period! I know, the timing eh?! Should we still go out tomorrow night? Should we re-sched? Ugh, so bummed! Sorry to message you off the group just didn’t feel comfortable. I’m new. Lol.
Jen: OMG ME TOO! Super crappy timing eh? Yes of course we should still go out. We’re totally looking forward to it! No worries. Evan knows I’m on mine. Can’t wait for tomorrow!! *drinks emoji *heart emoji *kiss face emoji.
As if this whole experience wasn’t confusing enough now I felt lost. Was I headed towards a relationship with a couple? I still wanted the date, they still wanted the date, it would be a date.
We met at a martini bar. We sat closely, knees touching, hands touching and all took sips from each other’s glasses. We laughed. We got drunk.
We walked through Little Italy linking arms to a restaurant and wine bar we weren’t sure would still serve us based on the dark lit décor and lack of patrons. We took a booth in the back left corner by the stairwell leading to the bathroom and storage. The place was small, a wall sized chalk board wine list to the left of the bar. They chose a bottle. More expensive than I would normally go for. We drank it. Then another. Jen and I sat on the booth, Evan across. We kissed a little.
“What if you and Evan Switch spots? And we make out?”
We did it.
“Ok now you and him kiss.”
We did that.
“The staff must think we’re crazy!”
We continued switching it up. We all giggled. We put on a show. We knew we were the only ones left in the bar with the servers doing their closing duties around us.
The rest of the night’s a blur. Ending with them leaving in a cab alone at 3am and me heading to another party to play out the buzz.
The morning after and weeks that followed were internal chaos. They still reached out. We still group chatted. I left just enough distance to jump back in but not see them again until I had a handle back on what I was doing.
There’s a messy side to sexual liberation. Understanding what you are doing, why you are doing it, what you want, why you want it and if those reasons are OK. Had I pushed myself too far or just psyched myself out? It was too much. I didn’t want to let them down but I wasn’t sure in what capacity to stay. What did I really want from this couple? I couldn’t answer it. Two years later writing this piece I still can’t.
Maybe the online jerks were right. I was being selfish. Playing out some sick fantasy to make myself feel cooler than I really was. More interesting than the social norm around me. So desperate to be desired failing at my own dating life I came here to fuck around with others’. Unicorns are rare. Here’s where people will want me. A no failed attempt at love. So lonely I had to feel it from all angles, from four hands and two mouths.
That’s why I left before we made it to the bedroom. I liked them too much and cared for them enough not to hurt them. Use and abuse them. I was too messed up to be their guest. I was being selfish and indulgent. I wanted it all on me. I held all prisoners. Take a number. I am the star. I am the failure.
I still have fantasies about threesomes. They don’t involve dates and getting to know each other. They look different now.