I Wanted to Get Married, But I Wasn’t Ready to Lose Myself
While Ruth’s words— “where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay”—made for a heart-stilling pseudomarital vow, I was not selfless enough to promise the same.
n the months leading up to my wedding last year, I found myself grappling with an internal dilemma. Magazines, family members, and targeted ads were telling me that bridehood was a time full of abundant joy and giddy celebration. And it was; waltzing around my studio apartment with my soon-to-be-husband trying out first dance songs, fielding song requests from old friends, thinking about how the important people in my life could have roles in the ceremony. But throughout it all, I struggled with a dawning sense of terror, a swill of anxiety that followed me around through busy preparations and happy well-wishing.
More by this author
Esther, you are a queen not because of your physical perfection, but because of the horror and rage you transformed it into.
Maybe, I thought, I could play Pokémon with my peers and bridge the gap between me and my an all-white classroom. But we lose things in translation.
There is a part of me, even after so many iterations of faith and years of living in an adult body, that is waiting for punishment, waiting to be banished from the Garden.
More in this series
“What I look like” is not a static picture cut out and placed in different environments, but one that changes again and again.
Among the delights of time spent with urban wildlife is the reminder to be quiet and patient—not an easy task for a New Yorker.