Cover Photo: Photograph by Siora Photography/Unsplash
Photograph by Siora Photography/Unsplash

I Wanted to Get Married, But I Wasn’t Ready to Lose Myself

While Ruth’s words— “where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay”—made for a heart-stilling pseudomarital vow, I was not selfless enough to promise the same.

n the months leading up to my wedding last year, I found myself grappling with an internal dilemma. Magazines, family members, and targeted ads were telling me that bridehood was a time full of abundant joy and giddy celebration. And it was; waltzing around my studio apartment with my soon-to-be-husband trying out first dance songs, fielding song requests from old friends, thinking about how the important people in my life could have roles in the ceremony. But throughout it all, I struggled with a dawning sense of terror, a swill of anxiety that followed me around through busy preparations and happy well-wishing.

Nina Li Coomes is a Japanese and American writer, currently living in Boston, MA. Her writing has appeared in EATER, The  Collapsar, and  RHINO Poetry among other places. Her debut chapbook haircut poems was published by Dancing Girl Press in 2017.