Cover Photo: Catch-As-Catch-Can by Chris Okum

Catch-As-Catch-Can

What an awful song. I mean, this is really a bad song. There is nothing good about this song except that after three minutes and seven seconds it ends. That Leah, though? Is that Leah? Is that hot blonde slice of cream pie supposed to be Leah? That's who Lonnie is singing to? What's he singing about anyway? Are they getting in a fight? That's it? That's the big deal? She kissed another guy? Well, hey, Lonnie, hey Lonnie, hey, no duh, Lonnie. A woman who looks like that is going to get kissed. You know what else is going to happen to her? Hey, Lonnie, you want me to tell you what's going to happen to Leah now that she's heard you sing this song? She's not going to just kiss some other guy. You know what she's going to let the other guy do to her? Not just kissing. She is going to let the other guy touch rooms in her body you've never even sniffed. I'm talking about a treasure trove of trap doors and secret aromas. So stop screaming! Jesus Christ! What did you expect, Lonnie? Look at her! She's, you know what she is? She's not a house. She's an instrument. No. She's a toy. She's a toy. A toy for men. A toy for men to play with. Look at her. That's a stradivarius right there. And so maybe she is more like an instrument. But you know not everyone can play an instrument like that, or if they can they can't do it very well. They tell themselves they can because they think they are supposed to think positive. And then there are some people who can't play their instrument at all. Like you. And your band. Where did you find these guys? They sound like they couldn't get booked at Action Park. You know Action Park, Lonnie? That's where Leah is going to let some strange man dry rub against her one piece. Leah looks like the type. I bet she wears a one piece. With the high cut legs. You know what I'm talking about? I love women in bikinis. Always have, always will. But this Leah, she's got legs up to her neck. So keep bugging her. Keep getting all dramatic and she's going to throw on a shiny gold one piece and a pair of red shoes. Turn the whole place into a real catch-as-catch-can. Listen to me! Lonnie! She's going to go down to Action Park and let some strange man give her the dry rub! While she's listening to this song! This song! I've listened to it four times in a row and its still not getting any better! Jesus! Lonnie! Is that Irish? I've never even heard of you until right now. I've never even heard this song. That's how bad it is. It is so bad I've never heard it. No one likes this song otherwise I would have heard it by now. The only person who admits to liking this song is you, Lonnie. And Ken and Nigel and Scott and Stephen, but those names are just short for Lonnie. And by the way, Leah always faked it. Maybe you never faked it, but she faked it every single time with you. But she's not going to fake it for the next guy. No, the next guy is going to see the real Leah. So stand back, Lonnie. You might get hurt. But then again you sound like one of those guys who's always getting hurt. What's wrong with you? Don't you have any respect for yourself? You think you can scream at Leah and she's not going to leave you? I mean, look at her walk. She walks like she knows everyone is watching her walk. So give me a break. You know who's kissing her behind your back? It's the drummer. Your drummer. And your bassist. And your guitarist. They are all kissing Leah. And they're all balling Leah, too. All three of them, sometimes separately and sometimes together. They all know they're all balling Leah and that's what makes it okay. For them. Not for you. So there's nothing you can do. There's a spotlight on her. There's seventeen thousand people who are looking at her and she's dancing in her little jean skirt and never try to play the harmonica like that, not ever again, please. Ah, Leah.