Cover Photo: Twitter Defeats Writer Due to #GOPDebate by Ilana Masad

Twitter Defeats Writer Due to #GOPDebate

There is someone called Kasich who called ‘em out on their shit.

The moderators actually want to tell the senators to shut up, but also tend to forget they have microphones.

Ted Cruz has a flat head, apparently.

The GDP is not consumption.

The debate is scary enough to be part of a haunted house.

Canadians don’t care.

#CNBCGOPDEBATE is too long a hashtag.

Ben Carson seems like he took Xanax?

CNBC lost their reigns, so I guess there were horses there too. That’s pretty cool. But were any animals harmed in the making of this debate?

Bush BTFOs Rubio (what does BTFO mean?).

Popcorn is circulating among viewers.

All questions are posed as insults.

There needs to be more action and less talk. I propose a fistfight, but that’s probably not a great idea.

Trump speaks with a wide mouth sometimes, photos allege.

Marco Rubio is classy.

Jeb got spanked by Rubio and I am now placing bets on how long it’ll take to turn this into porn.

Marco Rubio killed Jeb Bush. Rubio is on fire. Why is nobody talking about the blood? The carnage? Where are the fire engines?

Yoda punched Luke in the junk in this debate. No wonder it’s so many people’s favorite show. But also, is the GOP debate showing a trailer for the new Star Wars? Is it a new trailer? Did they get an exclusive? Damn, now I wish I actually did have cable.

We have the largest military in the world!

Rubio is well-hydrated (is that euphemism for spitting?).

Two quiet men whisper to each other and there is a prediction of bloodshed. Is this Waiting for Godot? I thought the bloodshed happened already.

There is a prediction of cannibalism. If Rubio is on fire, he’ll be nice and crispy, but Jeb might need some cooking. Ben Carson is napping and won’t participate in said cannibalism.

Chris Christie is talking about banks, but not college tuition.

Fiorina is being watched by people who’ve been fired.

Ben Carson is presumably still napping.

Has the cannibalism started yet?

There is makeup and vibrant necklaces. No visuals included, more’s the shame.

Cruz is being asked about Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield’s relationship going bust (I thought it was only pretend? In The Amazing Spiderman?).

Rand could be a nice cabinet member but I’m pretty sure she’s dead.

This is not a reality TV show – I repeat, this is NOT a reality TV show! This isn’t a drill, people!

Nobody likes CNBC.

The rules are hard.

Moderators are debating with the panelists and there should be some real journalism. Are debates about journalism?

Someone is a fox and Ted Cruz ate their lunch. Poor fox. On the upside, Carly is going to prove that unicorns exist! Does that mean queer people are going to get up and dance on stage to the tune of the GOP anthem? I never studied US history. Is there a GOP anthem?

Children find the GOP debate hilarious. There are pictures of foreheads to prove it. On the other hand, Ann Coulter is bored and wants to get back to Trump. There is a Trump board game she could be playing while watching the debate. Just saying.

Cruz has a favorite Colorado Brownie. What’s a Colorado Brownie?

Carson and Trump will win by looking less silly.

Maybe they’ll explain what Colorado Brownies are.

Somebody has seven bedrooms and needs all of them.

Wall St. wants to handle social security. I’m not sure streets are sentient, but if they were, would they really want in on this kettle of fish?

Speaking of, I’m being instructed to refresh my drink.

Drink refreshed.

People like roads and schools and Survivor more than the #GOPDebate. How is Survivor still going on? Didn’t it start when I was prepubescent? Then again, how can Survivor compare to what is being dubbed more entertaining than Mayweather vs Pacquiao? Wasn’t that kind of a big deal? I heard kids on the subway talk about it. It must have been a big deal.

There’s hockey! Or maybe it’s just a hockey gif. Can’t tell. Face masks make it hard to see whether the candidates are on the ice.

Another commercial break. Already? I haven’t finished my drink yet.

Oh, shiny: Donald, Ted, Mike, Chris, and John are apparently super white names, but Ben isn’t because Ben isn’t?

There is something called a chance Dingell, and I would like to know what that is.

It’s only been twenty minutes?! And someone is offering kisses?

That’s it. I’m outie. 

Ilana Masad is a queer Israeli-American fiction writer and book critic. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, the New York Times, McSweeney's, Joyland, StoryQuarterly, the Washington Post, the Guardian, LA Times, and more. She is the founder and host of The Other Stories, a podcast featuring new, emerging, and established fiction writers.