The Surinam Toad Tries Online Dating

Eli Beck

Jan 23, 2016

A mostly biologically accurate record of what toads do online.

Name: Pipa pipa

Age/Description: 3 years old/Female Surinam Toad

Body type: 12 cm long, flat, triangular face, very leaflike, long, slender fingers

Location: Shallow swamp in Suriname

Interests: Camouflage, seasonal changes in shallow waterways of South America

Favorite Food: Small fish, but I wouldn’t pass up a crustacean

Ideal Date: It would definitely be the rainy season. A long swim through the swamp, followed by a gourmet dinner of worms, insects, or fish (I’m not too picky). After that, anything goes.

Kids: Yes, about 70. Hopefully more soon.

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Chat

Pipa pipa: Hi!

You: Hello there. I’m going to be honest, I’m pretty new to this online dating thing. I don’t really know what to do .

Pipa pipa: Oh, that’s ok. That’s kind of cute actually

You: Really? Haha.

Pipa pipa: Yeah! Well, the good news is I know exactly what we are going to do. You’re lucky you found me and not one of those other toads. How about this: we meet up. I’m thinking the outskirts of Lake Brokopondo? We talk. We lie in wait for our prey. Worms? Insects? It doesn’t matter. We eat. I look at you, and you look at me. Then you make that amazing clicking sound that only you can do. By then, if the water is cold enough, I’ll be ready, and you’ll know it too. I won’t give you the strong shiver of rejection that I give to all those other toads, because you seem like a nice one. Are you ready for the good part?

You: That wasn’t the good part?

Pipa pipa: No way! The good part is when we get to the amplexus. Yeah, that’s right. People tell me I’m very forward. I say I have to be. We may not be endangered, but there aren’t too many of us, you know. Just imagine latching onto my back and holding on for our dear life – new baby toad life, that is – as I swim us around. Don’t worry too much about it; I’ll do the maneuvering. But just so you know, I do LOTS of somersaults lol. I’m talking 15 to 18 of them.

You: Wow, that’s a lot of somersaults.

Pipa pipa: lololol you're so funny! Yup, it is. And at the top of each arc, I’ll deposit my fragile, sticky eggs on your strong, flat belly, and you’ll transfer them to my back. But not until you fertilize them, of course ;).

You: ...fertilize them?

Pipa pipa: You’re damn right. And don’t worry, you can leave after that. I know we just met each other, but can I just be real for a second? My favorite part is what happens after amplexus. Pregnancy might not be comfortable, but there's something about it that just feels beautiful. I guess I just love how secure my eggs feel when they sink into my flesh – I get so worried when they’re out in the open. After a few days, when the skin on my back fully encapsulates all my eggs, I think, “Wow, I’m going to be a mommy!” It's the most amazing feeling! You wouldn’t even be able to tell that I was pregnant if it weren’t for the cute little wiggles and undulations in my back when my beautiful babies hatch. I will admit, though, that after the three weeks, I’m glad to let them go. Those little toadies get pretty big, and their hands aren’t all that comfortable. It’s SUCH a relief to shed my skin after all my kids pop out of the holes that reopen in my back. And it’s SOOOO convenient that they pop out as fully formed toads. I could NOT deal with tadpoles.