Cover Photo: This image is a photograph of the author. She wears a bright-red jumpsuit, hoop earrings, and her hair in loose ponytails. She sits cross-legged on the floor against a bright red background.
Photograph courtesy by Sela Shiloni

The Skinny, in Numbers

This essay was written by Courtney Kocak in Chloe Caldwell's 12-Month Essay Collection Generator

Girl Gone Wild

“The Skinny, in Numbers,” is excerpted from that collection.

This is the healthiest I’ve ever been,” I say.

Who reported it? Was there guessing involved? If not, was it naked at-home post toilet or like a doctor’s office situation? that

The Karen Carpenter Story

So that’s how you do it,

A-students are boring. B-students are cooler, more fun, and have better priorities in life, insists my thinnest, blondest, most perfectionist grad school professor. I try not to roll my eyes in front of her. We both know she weighs herself twice a day, and so do I. She gives me a B. Wow, what a cool bitch! I’m tempted to go over to her house and break her scale.

My calories.

beezer—my new drink of choice. I've always gravitated towards uppers. I like my heart to be working out even when I'm sitting still. When I was single, I had an amazing night of sex with someone new. He opened my fridge the next morning and couldn't believe his eyes. Oh wow, this is crazy. He took a picture of the contents, which were three half-empty DMD bottles, and sent it to his friend. Then the tall, handsome bread-maker looked me dead in the eyes and said, I don't think I could date someone who doesn't keep food in their fridge.

Courtney Kocak is a TV writer (Amazon's Emmy-winning animated series Danger & Eggs), podcaster (The Bellas Podcast EP, Netflix’s Know It All scriptwriter, Private Parts Unknown co-host), stand-up comedian, and essayist published in The Washington Post and the LA Times