Cover Photo: "Setting on Heart" By Emily Metcalf
"Setting on Heart" By Emily Metcalf

The Chasm

"Fear was abounding. It was in my veins, my fingertips, and buried deep at the base of my spine."

To what do I need to build a bridge? I am building a bridge to myself, though I know that within and without me I am connected to many things, to many people, who are affected by everything that I do. The further in I venture, the larger sense of space I have. Pent up, angry, full of rage and denial, the world seems so finite, acute. I remember this. I remember seeing the world in a linear fashion. I remember feeling so distant from those in my very presence. If I could not hold myself, how could I even come close to touching another? Fear was abounding. It was in my veins, my fingertips, and buried deep at the base of my spine. When I was young, I believed I could contain this, and I did. But as I grow older, I am feeling my body fail.

I felt it first when I was about to turn 28. I was having psychotic symptoms and had befriended some people who were remodeling a business/art-studio space on the upper floor of an older building in my neighborhood just blocks from my house. I was opening up to the woman in the group with my back against the wall in order to not take up much space in the overcrowded room. All of a sudden I felt a complete emotional drain and my legs that were holding me up were no more. I slid down the wall and collapsed on the floor. I explained to these people who I barely had met that my legs had given way, and somehow we all knew that is was not purely physical. She brought me a soda, and I soon recovered and sheepishly left them to continue their business and work. Later that week a sweet and wise hippy woman, my friend’s mother came by and she placed her hand on my knee. She explained to me that we hold grief in our knees. I later studied massage and learned that we hold emotional trauma in our physical bodies and their injuries.

I am now thirty six, bound to turn thirty seven in a few weeks. My body can no longer hold and sustain the amount of grief and emotional trauma that I have been through. That is why I have made it my largest priority to reconnect with my first chakra issues, which are about survival, fear, and basic needs. I have work to do in my other chakras as well. Massage, meditation, soaking, nature, writing, stillness, and painting are my allies and helpers. My heart has grown heavy and armored through the years and it is time for me to let go, let the love in and receive.

The best way to reconnect to our first chakra and heal any excessive or recessive qualities there, is to simply reconnect to our body. This takes time and I have in essence been working on this for many years. I am more committed to this than ever before, and I am seeing results. As I let in and let go, as I allow myself to exist in natural form and feel my body just as it is, I feel the world get bigger and I feel myself connecting with every energy that I come in contact with. I let go of fear. Everything and everyone has a soul. I have a message. I have a gift. As I integrate, heal and open, I can experience my gift at its full capacity. I need not be afraid anymore.

So as I build this bridge to my inner self, I know that its structure will not always be necessary. I need a road to travel now, and I will likely never be done with my journey. But as I reconnect, everything becomes more fluid. As I heal, I am gaining courage, I am mending my wings. I believe there will always be uncharted depths to explore, but as I learn to fly, as the world becomes closer to the touch, I hope to be able to travel without the bridge. It will become obsolete as I become integrated and whole. My boundaries and all that I have learned will prevent future wounds and annihilations, but the walls, the bridges, become transparent, soft. I can reach out, you can reach in, and there is no need for wires or bridges for I can fly across the chasm of fear.

Sometime hopefully in Winter or Spring of 2018, my book Glass Slippers - A Journey of Mental Illness, will be available on Amazon and bookshops in the San Juan Islands. I am currently working on my second book Memiorish, which may also be out in 2018 or early 2019. I write on my blog Thanks for reading!