Nowhere Else to Go
Traveling Anxiety Memoir
My favorite thing about being scared and broke is realizing there is nowhere left to go. If you are already scared shitless, nothing else is going to scare you more than you already are. If you are broke, there is no way to become more broke.
So here we are, at the bottom. Scared shitless with a few pennies. This is my favorite part because there is nowhere left to go but up.
So here I am, scared and broke in another country. I have hit rock bottom with my anxiety.
The thing about anxiety is that it's an emotion. It's a wake-up call that makes you realize you're stuck in the past and living in fear of the future.
I struggle with anxiety and the future is the perfect scapegoat. I won’t allow my mind to be a peace. I stress and stress over situations I cannot control. I constantly overthink and convince myself that I am going to mess up, that I have already messed up, that I just need to start over and try again.
The same thoughts repeat in my head as I sit on the train in the middle of nowhere. My phone is on 10% and I'm worried if I have enough money. I go over everything that is wrong and begin to regret my trip. Mentally I am unraveling...until a small voice breaks through the uncertainty.
“You do not have to do this”
“You can book a ticket and go home right now..”
“You do not have to put yourself through this”
Traveling alone is hard and I should not bully myself into feeling 100% comfortable with doing so. I am only so strong. Despite what I tell myself, I am not ready for everything.
After repeating these words to myself, I gripped my bag tighter and continued waiting for my stop. I got off the train I looked around. I walked to the nearest person and handed them a piece of paper with the name of the cheapest Hostel on it. “Am I going towards the right place?” I asked.
The girl smiled and told me which train to get on next.
As I sat on the train headed towards Hamburg, I finally relaxed for the first time. This trip is my choice, I can go home if I want. I can choose to listen to the voices of doubt in my head or tune them out and rely on the strength I do have to get through this new situation.
I reached the bottom of my fear. The only thing left for me was up. I had the choice to stop hurting myself and to support myself. I write all the time about self-love, now was my time to put it into action. It's my mind, there is nowhere else to go.