On Facebook everyone seems happy. Like the world had a party and didn't invite me. I was available!
My head hurts sometimes in the morning. I think of people who are gone from my life. Goodbye, I miss you. But if I chase after you know you mattered .
"Many friends" doesn't speak to me anymore because I'm anti-war. Twenty years of friendship with this artists down the circle but still they left. I have tried my level best but people keep leaving.
Ochuka,Maurine other close friends left, after many years of closeness .
I was sure they would remember our struggle but unfortunately they didn't . It hunted my head. My heart cried.
This morning my shoulders scrunched together. My eyes squinting. Ready to type this loneliness .
I'm always wrong but this time i'm right. I'm hurt.
Every day there's SOMETHING. Something I'm afraid of. Someone I'm worried for. Someone who does me wrong. Someone who is hurting me and careless.
I can't cure them. They are contented. Ready to criticize every moment,every post,every word i say.
If I don't cure myself, remaining days will get me more sick and infected. My skin gush with pain. My brain hurts like it has been knifed.
I am just going to straight out tell you my cure. No fooling around. Keep your money. Keep your swag. Keep your ego. Keep your creativity. All i ever wanted from my friends was love,understanding and respect.
There's nothing I can do. It's nobody's fault. People are just jerks sometimes. Or sometimes I'm a jerk. Or sometimes shitty things happen. Sometimes there's a hurricane I can't control. Sometimes I'm worried about a future that will never come true. A monster from another dimension.
I feel it in my stomach, head, chest. Sometimes my chest squeezes shut and I hold my head and think I'm crazy. She's right. I'm right. She's right. I'm right. Nobody's right. I miss her. I miss him. I'm afraid. This people are just heartless and self full.
What hurts? Maybe I feel lonely. Maybe my ego was hurt because someone sent a hurtful email. Maybe someone was wrong about me and I'm frustrated I can never correct them.
Maybe I want more healthy. Or love. Or safety and I'm afraid I won't get it. Or I'm scared for someone. I'm just Worried.
I might still get lonely, or angry, or sad, worried, or jealous. I might still regret. Or get anxious. That's what a human body does. And I've tried to live with rejections and accusations my whole life. I learned from those briefest moment of life to choose to be misunderstood.
I am comforted to know I have built the foundations for a life of love, generosity, honesty and integrity.
This may be the most difficult article I've written so far. I can't guarantee all of you will read through to the end. As a society, we find the topic I am writing about uncomfortable and often give it little regard, certainly people of my age.
A lot of events had forced me to view life in a parallel angle for instance;
I recall a couple of tears trickled down my cheek, but there was no exaggerated weeping, shouts or tantrums. I took a tissue, calmly blew my nose and held my brother's hand.
When we heard the news of my mother breaking leg.
Since 16 November Two thousand and nine or 'Black Friday', as i affectionately call it, i could hide away in a corner, contemplating what flowers should adorn my gift to that beautiful soul . I cried into my mug of (black) tea, wailing 'why me'. I needed bulk some of money to appreciate her care and love for nine months in her stomach to twenty six years old boy now.
I would be lying if I said that wasn't a difficult weekend.
So why share my story? Because I want to inspire people who are in a similar position to me to not give up on living and encourage people who want to build life with us not to expect much.
I know this sounds pathetic. I don't care what people will think. This is why I deliberately made this a too-long-to-read status update. Anyway, i come from a humble background. Not too poor not too rich. Leave alone the pictures you see me upload on social handles.
Life is void,null,painful,greed and stupid but i understand it.
I don't have a lot of masculine (or feminine) mystique. Which means I had to work with what I had. I had no furniture, i have a depleting bank account,unqualified for anything, a loser, and delusional.
I had a table and one chair . I had no beautiful plates in my kitchen. I had a mattress on the floor. That is the extent of my furniture. I know many women won't like that kind of life.
I have tried to find a woman of my dreams but disappointment always on my door every time i attempt.
My health and financial state can't let me have love.
Anyway, back to my story_ one thing my mama told me when she was struggling to walk is that~ my son ? If you still breathing, try as much as you can to be kind to people even if they won't reciprocate back.
Because i'm sick and rich does not mean my life should be any less full. I write
In August i carried loads of heavy cabbages just to earn a living i remember my studio was closed and I needed cash for hospital bills. I knew my chest couldn't allow me but i risked.
I once learned that; God helps people who help themselves.
Instead of morbidly obsessing about when we may leave this earth, me and my mother we embraced life.
After Dorcas died leaving a young soul behind my mother had a sleepless night for us to survive at that moment i had no job .
With a broken leg she was forced to hustle(bread win) for her family.
I remained on a fortnightly dose of drugs, but in those five precious ' years, we get up to all sorts of disappointed. A girl i knew when she was a minor left my life when i needed people i could lean on. I guess life is mean a times.
I recall telling my mum about the situation and how much i hate love and life.
I could hear pain in her voice when she told me , "Is God who plans our future".
I told her I refuse to give up and accept there's 'nothing more to be done'. I have been a strong secretive soul for years and i refuse to fail . With this condition i'm still going to make her happy...
This situations has robbed me my previous common sense from having friends faint on me to being a jobless kid.
I thank God for this month, i got my way back to studio where i push my day creating and writing.
The last 18months have provided unparalleled love and laughter. Discomfort and agony.
I have a rotten lungs. Not from smoking marijuana but from accident that left part of my lungs bleeding to a decay. I have attended every test, scan and appointment. I have tried every treatment offered, from the standard medical therapies, to eating greens and all those crazy staffs.
According to the doctor's i visited today morning, she was frank with me about my surviving years.
For so many years pain has become part of my life.
I was talking with one of the people who support's me with my medical bills And is like he's giving up on me but i understand the pressure I've used more than enough of his money hoping all will be well.
I lied to my now ,ex girlfriend and close friends that i'm fine and it will be well just to stop stressing them i wanted to feel the pain alone and control it.
Last month i was in nyanza to see my mum and we visted several doctors who failed to offer solution to my condition.
I came back went to church for a miracle and if i can remember ;
"One of past Sundays i was busy praising and the illness attacked me because of excessive energy which resulted to breathing problem, church leaders prayed for me thinking all will be well".
I've been isolated because of this curse or let me call it illness.
I still managed to turn out to be secretive about it, pretty good, well-rounded, physical healthy and sad within.
The innocence of my flesh that i have protected for public now had to be revealed. At this point i need you prayers .
We might pass each other within town or a times you might come to studio and we laugh but inside this chest i got a dead flesh decaying slowly inside.
November twenty third a day following my birthday, I started to feel 'unwell'. I visited' my doctor where the usual set of tests were carried out just to come up with a nice the bleeding is serious.
Unfortunately, when i checked the recent scan, the results were nothing short of devastating. I was no longer looking at the possibilities, i was looking at my own death drawing near.
I was given years, perhaps a couple of years to live. I wasn't expected to leave the hospital, but somehow, i managed to reach my house.
This Sunday i was worshipping like normal and i asked God one thing ;
"To prolong my years of living".
I know he will but still _As I write this,
I am in studio, relatively stressful but busy doing my little projects, sorting out poems for friends, texting trying to make myself and friends happy . I wake up every morning, gratefulthat I can have friends to hug and inspire.
As you read this, know i live for you;
To my ex i changed because i wanted to see you happy but I am sorry. I couldn't hold to see you hurting for me but hope you remember our, laughing, eating my weird and latest miracle food, chatting rubbish,watching movies but decisions matters.
To my mother, you've witness the pain i use to have every morning while i'm with you, we fought this mess but karma is still a bitch. How i wish i could work extra hard for you . To see you ;
In any case i stopped breathing this year,next year or many years coming remember one thing i understood life , took it by both hands, grabbed it, shamed it and believed in every second of it.
I Adore everybody equally. I'm blessed to have you all as my community family.
Life is short...Find something that gives you joy and hold unto it.
Find a job you enjoy, but don't become a slave to it. You will not have 'I wish I'd worked more' on your headstone. Dance, laugh and eat with your friends. True, honest, strong friendships are an utter blessing and a choice we get to make, rather than have to share a loyalty with because there happens to be link through blood. Choose wisely then treasure them with all the love you can muster. Surround yourself with beautiful things. Life has a lot of grey and sadness - look for that rainbow and frame it. There is beauty in everything, sometimes you just have to look a little harder to see it.
So, that's it from me. Thank you so much for the love and kindness you've shown in your own little ways.
pardon my broken english & punctuations...Be blessed.Love you all.
Also i have an album songs talking on this plus poems if you want to listen or read some inbox .