Cover Photo: BERNARD SIMUNOVIC
BERNARD SIMUNOVIC

BABYFACE

This shit is not the spirit of anything. I swallow and it feels like there’s a potato chip stuck in my throat. Can we drop this?

Rescue called, Said to get home quick ‘cause he found some shit.

I never say no to a stray,

Is it alive?

Dunno. He sounded pretty stressed, though.

Don’t freak out,

Is that a kid? Oh, fuck no.

Alright, hold up, Y’all just gotta hear me out.

Can we get it out of there before it dies?

Shit, I’m going to take this thing out, and then you’re going to tell us where the fuck it came from.

Jesus, Cleo! I know y’all aren’t trying to tell me that there is a live ass baby in my kitchen right now.

Did you feed it? What?

Give it to me,

How’d you learn that?

Can you just tell us what happened?

Okay. So, I’m on my break, right? I get a sandwich from the Korean place and go sit on the steps of that big ass church on Grand, the one where everybody said Lil Decaf got shot? ‘Cause I’m trying to smoke and like, unwind a little ‘cause Kasey’s being a bitch and Raul didn’t show so I’m covering all his tables and we’ve been slammed since 10 and let me tell y’all, bottomless mimosas make white people wild.

Timo,

Alright, alright,

Alright, so I sit down on the steps and I’m chillin’. And there’s this grocery bag next to me, just sittin’ in front of those big ass wood church doors. And I’m thinking someone like, left a turkey for a donation or some shit. Or maybe a bum forgot his bag. So I’m like, alright cool. Whatever. Keep eatin’ my sandwich minding my own business. Then, all of a sudden, the bag starts making noise and bumpin’ around. I’m like, the fuck? I’m thinkin’ maybe like a rat got into the turkey or something, so I go over and look and there’s this fuckin’ kidinside, wrapped in a bunch of blankets and crying like he ain’t seen his mama in a week.

She,

Whatever, She.

I didn’t think that was, like, a real thing people did, Not in the modern era.

I guess in Oakland they do, So anyway, I see this baby and I’m like, whoa, that’s real shit. That’s fucked up. But I don’t know what it’s doing there or if maybe somebody’s coming back for it and I gotta be back at work in five minutes or Kasey’s gonna give all my tables to the new girl. So I’m like, alright, if it’s still here when I get off I’mma take it and like, bring it somewhere safe.

Hold up. You just left it there? Inside a grocery bag?

Ice your panties, bro. I hid it behind a statue, Of a saint.

So if its mom did come back, how the fuck would she be supposed to find her baby?

I didn’t think that far. Shit, I save a kid’s life and y’all flame me? Where’s the gratitude? Shit.

We gotta take that thing to the police, I don’t fuck with babies. That’s a rule.

You tryna send this kid off to get all psychologically fucked up in a foster home? That’s real nice, Bug. Real fuckin’ thoughtful of you. How ‘bout we send you to a foster home instead since evidently you’re behaving like a big ass baby?

Timo, we would fuck this kid up so much more than a foster home, There is literally a gun in the dishwasher right now.

Hold up, just hear me out, alright? Imagine when it gets big and we got it running errands for us, like an internship kinda thing. Make it part of the business. Treat it good and buy it whatever it wants in exchange for its services. Who’s gonna suspect a little ass baby? Nobody. It’s a good investment,

Nope. Veto. Hard-fucking-veto. I’ll drive but I’m not touching that thing.

So this is definitely not y’all two’s kid, And y’all definitely are not trying to subvert the state of California’s protocol for the legal surrendering of parental rights by acting as if this is not your child.

Does this baby look like it came from us? Pardon my French, but that baby is white as fuck.

This is your fault, Cleo, I told you that baby would come back to haunt you.

The fuck you did. You said I should get rid of it. Can you move this shit? Also you hate babies.

I think this thing’s busted, Wait, nope, we good. This yours? Merry Christmas, mama.

Fuck you.

Yeah, well this is why I don’t go around getting anybody pregnant, And if I do, I take care of things in a timely fashion.

I tried to! Liam is the one who said to wait and make sure it was for real first. I seriously hope you aren’t trying to tell me that this baby is somehow because of that baby.

Alright, pass it back,

Liam is a no-good dumb-as-shit motherfucker and you saw how fast he dipped once he found out he might be a daddy, So that’s on you.

My grandma always said abortions bring bad luck, The baby’s spirit stays in there forever, like, fucking with your organs and shit. Alright, lil bitch, let’s roll.

This baby is not the spirit of anything. Can we drop this?