Cover Photo: 10/1/18 | Exist by Kurt Daniel
 

10/1/18 | Exist

I thought, for a brief moment, that we existed together

Perhaps in the deepest corner of my mind

I visualized us as something happy and fulfilling

It made me optimistic

It distracted me from the countless other times I’ve been abandoned

Left with nothing more than a fleeting memory of a ‘what could have been’

I’ve shared so many of those moments with others before you

To experience a temporary high of infatuation

And giving it an earnest chance

Only to be left with nothing

It’s actually quite prolific how the constant disappointment eats away at you

It’s a slow burn of sorts

It doesn’t wear you down overnight, no—it moves more subtly

Because by the tenth or eleventh time, you are numb

And once you stop to reflect on all the false moments and all the false laughter

And all the false love you felt

You are left with the cold reality that you are alone

In a world where you are told not to be alone

I’ve been alone recently

And it makes me wonder how long that time will be

Although there is happiness and love all around me

There doesn’t seem to be any for me

So, I continue to live vicariously through the love I see

Just with my eyes, but never with my hands

The love I hear with my ears, but never taste with my mouth

And the numbness continues

Building off of the cynical demeanor I have grown accustom to

Trusting no one yet yearning for everyone

The cyclical nature of wanting and never having love can be exhausting

It feels like the weight of a thousand bricks

Each step becomes increasingly difficult

I’m not sure how long this feeling lasts

I’ve gotten used to the fatigue and weight

It’s become something similar to a friend, recently

So much so that is scares me what would happen if I actually did meet someone

Who wanted to exist with me?

And wanted to be a part of me

The questions of ‘could I do this,’ and ‘would I want to do this,’ are weighted

In the countless times I’ve crashed down from the high of love

I ask myself how many more times I can subject myself to the sheer destruction of love

Taking the biggest risk and diving deep into a relationship

After suffering nothing but heartbreak

It makes the love you do discover that much more euphoric and desirable

Because that feeling is a feeling you appreciate much more

I thought, for a brief moment, that we existed together

And perhaps that is where I will leave you, for now.

25, Philadelphia.